This was bound to happen.

People, if you will still be interested in reading me, kindly leave your email address and I'll send you the URL of the new blog (within a week or two). It's still under construction.

I won't be updating this one for now. And yes, I'll change the URL of this blog, too by the time the new blog is ready.

Demnit. I know, hiding isn't a good idea, it almost never is.

But, I'll explain soon. So for now, do me a favor and tell me if you're interested so I won't have to email each one of you and get a *cyber blank stare* from some. I get hurt easily. Hehe.

Seriously, I just don't want to confuse myself. It'll really be helpful if I have the email addresses in one place, so go on and leave it in the comment box or tag me. Don't email me, I'll get confused.

If I get more confused than I already am, things will fuck up real bad.

Three things:

1. Childhood memory #2 in progress. (Bent on doing this.)
2. Las Vegas might not materialize. Father DISAPPROVED.
3. My shaved leg is irritated (the left one). Ugh, sentence sounds horrible.

How do I say this correctly?

My left shaved leg is irritated or
I shaved my legs and now the left one is irritated or
My left leg is irritated because I shaved it or
Don’t shave your legs because they will be irritated, just look what happened to my left leg or
Demnit, I shouldn’t have shaved?

My life is so exciting.

Anyway, I need ONE GOAL. I’ve been racking my head for

*stands up to clear head, drinks water, paces, sits back and resumes typing things like: jkashfuetutyutyqoihf and 4444444444444444.*

I told you about my “wants” right? Travel, farm, write etcetera. I also WANT to pursue photography. I WANT so many things. And I figured last night that I only need ONE GOAL. I don’t freaking need to WANT to do these things ALL at the same freaking time.

ONE GOAL. It took me a month to figure this out?

So, how long will I figure out WHAT I REALLY WANT MY LIFE TO BE?

Ten years?

OW KAMAAAN.

I've been reading a lot.

Which is a good thing. One of the many good things a BUM can have.

So I've been rereading Bird by Bird (Anne Lamott) and once again I come across something she wrote which I swore to never forget but forgot anyway. Well, not really forgot-forgot but it kind of, ok, I forgot.

She said that in order to write well (whatever writing well means), YOU HAVE TO START FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD. She didn't exactly say that because as I remember, someone said that to her or perhaps she read it from somewhere. It will really be easier for me to BE SURE about what I write IF I COULD JUST PLEASE GET THE BOOK AND CHECK.

Well, anyway, START FROM CHILDHOOD.

The moment you read this, memories will flood your head. I'm not sure with you but it was what happened to me.

Gumamelas, Barbie dolls swimming in the fish pond, basketball brawls, pillows under the bed, giggles, the smell of baby powder, Dada's nails scratching our back, new things for a new school year, oooh, the NEW pink pencil case! cartoon character shaped ice creams, Aspilets, bubbles! etcetera... It goes on.

And so I couldn't write about all of them because each memory FITS into an entirely different moment in time.

So for today I will tell you about Summer 1998. I was 17 16 and there were a few days before college started. Yeah, that isn't exactly a childhood memory. (Duh? 17 16?) So ok, here's what happened:

We were in Boracay and it was a balmy night. Papa and Kuya were playing billiards, and I remember I was walking by the billiard place when Kuya saw me and said we walk together, to where? We didn't know. So the memory brings me on a bamboo sled, much like a balsa or a papag. It was being pulled by a carabao.

Now, I must be honest and tell you that I cannot anymore remember HOW we got on that thing and who else we were with. But it IS a vivid memory. At least those moments when we were being pulled on a papag over tiny rocks (because the sound is still clear). And the rickety-rickety sound of the wheels. And the carabao's tail. We were on our backs looking up and all we could say was WOW, WOW, WOW.

There were zillion stars overhead.

Glittering stars. Many stars. Like sand on a beach. Like if you take a handful you wouldn't notice if there were less of them.

No city lights to drown them out and they were there prettily looking down on us.

And the memory we had at that time was that WE NEVER SAW ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MANILA.

And then, WOW, WOW, WOW.

So now I can't be sure how the ride ended or where it took us or how the hell we got back to our cottage. And I must be TOTALLY honest with you to tell you that Kuya doesn't remember that anymore.

But I do. And I'm sure. Those were stars. And it was a memory.

And I can't think of any other memory that made me feel like a CHILD that comes close to THAT MOMENT IN TIME.

When it's already 11 am and all you did was go online for ONE WHOLE HOUR without REALLY accomplishing anything (except for cooking rice and checking Ma's inbox), that's when you should say to yourself:

Maybe it's time to take a bath.

The dog loves me more now. She follows me everywhere. She must be wondering why I’m in this house most of the time. Or maybe it’s because she likes how I smell when I haven’t taken a bath yet.

Mornings are glum and I still have difficulty getting up. I hope the reason is different from before (when I still had the job) but somehow it feels like some things haven’t changed until now.

Afternoons are languid and sticky. Sometimes they’re cold, uneasy and fleeting, but the pressing matter is that they’re becoming increasingly sad, repetitive and pointless.

Evenings are cruel. They don’t make me sleep well. When I finally put one foot into a dream, they pull me back to reality, and I see it’s already 1 am, or 2 or 3. Depends on how good I am at pretending that I CAN sleep. That’s when they let go of me, because it would be officially morning.

After a short while of feeling giddy because I can finally start my life again after two years of being LOST, I’m beginning to feel a little queasy again.

But unlike the time when I was sooooo miserable because of my life’s lack of direction, this time it’s about my life having LOTS of direction.

I want to do so many things. Write, travel, stay still (even for just a little more while), work for an NGO, farm, reopen our food store, settle in Baguio etc. I don’t know what to do first. I can do everything, yes, but I can’t start yet.

The writing? I don’t even know if I can stick to this dream, or if I’m worthy to. My notebooks are pitifully staring at me from the floor and it’s been weeks since I gathered them hoping I could organize the materials they contain. So far, nada.

(I CAN’T EVEN WRITE COMPLETE, FLUID SENTENCES.)



Travel? Something’s come up and I might just do that this October. (YAY! YEY!) (more on this later)

Stay still? Man, all I ever did for two years after graduation was stay still, I hated it, but now that I have REASONS to MOVE, part of me wants to stay still (schizo).

Work for an NGO? I’ve been contacting people but I’m not yet following up on the requests and offers I made. Volunteer work is something I really want to do but something holds me back.

Farm? My uncle recently suggested we reopen our store so that we can sell organic stuff. Organic pigs (read: vegetarian) and other livestock and other plants/herbs. I hinted at wanting to volunteer to be his farmhand in Tanauan but things are still hazy as of now.

Settle in Baguio? That’s a longshot, but I’m constantly squeezing it in my plans.

I have some other things on my list that I haven’t had time or energy to do yet. Petty things like get a haircut, read/reread books, rearrange the furniture, organize a garage sale, learn to bake, make pretty ice cubes, clean the cabinet, reinvent wardrobe, buy fishies etc.

And just when I was warming up to this new life (3 weeks and counting) comes a new development. It’s “new” because my mother brought it up just last week and it was something I didn’t think I’d get to do this year -- by October I might be leaving for Las Vegas to work with my father. The details are still foggy and my father is yet to approve. But I SO want to go.

It just feels weird that I have to hold back my plans for Las Vegas to come through. I’m not saying it came at an inopportune time. I like it, really, I want to leave.

PLUS, I realize I don’t have concrete plans yet, that I’m a tumbleweed now, going where the wind will take me. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I like the idea of that. Tumbleweed.

(A tumbleweed is a pest. A tumbleweed is a pest.)

Jang and I already talked about the probability of Las Vegas and she’s all for it -- makes me feel guilty for going bananas over her two weeks at Alaska this September.

The bum becomes a tumbleweed. Asteeeg.

(A tumbleweed is a pest. A tumbleweed is a pest.)



It’s not that I don’t want direction, or that I’d be content doing different things without really ever sticking to ONE thing, or that I’m too weak to follow my dreams that I let other people (in this case, my mother) tell me what I should do.

My mother asked me if I REALLY wanted Las Vegas and even if I initially said NO, I am now, more than ever, firm in my decision to get on with it.

My father’ll be there so homesickness is out of the question (maybe?). Well, okay, who am I kidding? Of course it won’t entirely be Ok because I’ll be holding off my life for three months to accomplish the work I need to do there. But the upside is that I get to be with my father, I get to experience a new life and I get to move on (ON MY OWN) after that.

For now, I think, it’s the best option. As long as I haven’t figured things out yet, Las Vegas will be a welcome change for me. What happens after that is something I have to REALLY prepare for.

This is threatening to be a VERY long post (with no point) so I’ll shut up now. (:

PS: My life is so full of “YET.” I am the poster girl for the word “YET.”

I like walking with you.

I like spending LONG, LAZY afternoons with you. I like wandering through the fog with you. I like hearing your laughter. I like feeling you next to me.

I like getting that warm, FUZZY feeling in my tummy whenever I hear your voice. I like expecting your arrival and I like coming to you.

Thank you for accepting me and my quirks. Like, you’d call me again when I complain that you ended the phone conversation ahead of me because we agreed that I will always be the one to end the call first. Right?

Remember the Spider-Man 2 fiasco when my camera was confiscated? I was flabbergasted for a long while mainly because I thought you were ashamed of me. You must have wondered what you were doing with a PSYCHO who took photos of Tobey Maguire in a theatre. Then you held my hand and said “Ok lang yun.”

Then we laughed.

I guess, when we can laugh about something, it means we can deal with it no matter how small or big the issue is. I love that about us.

Did I tell you already why I call you “Puppy” now? Well, I read this book and I really liked it. I also got my “new” name from there. Will you call me “Laura” on some days when I want to be called “Laura”? I think you will. In fact, I assume you might even agree to call me “Insolent Forgetful Biatch” on a day when I want to be called “Insolent Forgetful Biatch.” We’re crazy like that.

Well, I just wanted to tell you that I’m mighty glad you were born.

Happy Birthday, Puppy. (:

You are American Gods! You are mysterious,
intelligent, and creative. To the rest of the
world you may seem a little standoffish, but
really youre just a quiet person. Youre sort of
bookish and are intrigued by mythology and
fairy tales. You might be Wiccan or Pagan,
either that or youre unreligious. You have a
sarcastic sense of humor and are the kind of
person people like to talk to because youre
such a good listener.

*~Which Neil Gaiman book are you?~*
brought to you by Quizilla

It occurred to me last Sunday that if God asked me what is the ONE thing I REALLY want (because He will REALLY grant it), I won't answer that I REALLY want "a spanking hot writing career" or "a house by the beach" or "world peace" (well, actually, if He asks me what ELSE I want, this will be it) or "to live in Baguio" or whatever it is that I thought I REALLY wanted.

So, what do I REALLY want? As in what is the encompassing WANT of KAT?

I want everyone in my family to be OKAY all the time.

I want them to be safe, healthy and happy all. the. time.

It's impossible, I know. But that's what I want.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the feeling of realizing something like that.

I just wanted to tell you that it's amazing to NOT want anything but THAT.

But you all know that already.

(:

I want you to know I still keep this:



Some bristles have already been withered out and you can see the twig already snapped (though it escapes me if it really was connected to the pine cone?). I discovered I still have it while I was cleaning my room the other day. Pare, I just couldn’t throw it away.

Remember? When you gave it to me, you said, “Kat, yan ang pinakamaliit na pine cone sa buong Baguio, ibinibigay ko sa ‘yo. Itago mo yan, ha.” Something like that.

You see? I did. I kept it in a special place. Just like how I keep you in a special nook in my heart. Ang chummy!!

Haha, Pare, it’s one of those days that I want you to know how happy I am that I have you. Being a bum does some things to a person. Some profound, some life-altering, some like this -- refreshing. I realized we’ve known each other for five years already!

Dada liked you so much. You were one of the few people she remembered. She’d ask about you every now and then. She remembered you, and you should know that that’s saying a lot. Knowing how forgetful Dada is was, you’d be surprised at how good her memory is was in certain matters.

Maybe she could sense if someone is special. Remember when she gave Jang the shocking pink bag on my birthday? She spent a considerable number of days wondering how Jang was coming along with the bag. I really hoped you and Dada would get to say goodbye. But nevertheless, I want to thank you for treating her like she was your own. You made her smile a lot, Pare.

You’re like a “hero” to me because you’d USUALLY be there when I need you. And these days, USUALLY is a big thing already. Though we’ve had our share of nasty fights (remember the LEMONS?), disappointments with each other and not-being-there scenarios, I will never stop regarding you as a GOOD FRIEND. You may be the BEST I can ever have.

I held the pine cone and it felt like I had your heart at the palm of my hand! Napaka-sentimental, di ba? Haha.



Let’s go to Quiapo some time, ok? Call me after you read this. Hehe.

Love,
Kat

ni Charlie Samuya Veric

Ikaw ang hilo na hatid ng along magalaw.
Parang pag-idlip sa ere, parang pagtulog sa tubig:
Ang pagsabog ng tubig sa ere.

Kapag naalala kita, sumisisid ako
Sa kung anong lawa sa kung anong tagong tuktuk
Ng bundok. Hubad na lumalangoy sa kung anong ilog
Sa kung anong tagong lalim ng kuwebang ilog.

Dahil ang pag-isip sa pangalan mo’y pag-amin
Na may lihim na dagat sa aking loob.

At kapag gumalaw ka sa iyong pagtulog
Sa kabilang dako ng mundo, umaalon sa dagat ko.

Nahihilo ako.